I won't get into all the details here, but to give you some context, I started thinking about suicide as a young kid around the age of 8. My family had some problems. We were poor, my dad cheated on my mom and had several kids with several different women. My parents finally divorced when I was around 6 years old and never really saw my dad again. 

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I can't really say what triggered my first suicidal thoughts, but I remember what they were and when they happened. I remember walking on the road by myself and started having thoughts that I was worthless and that no one wanted me. I started thinking that I should just kill myself and end it all. I thought about jumping in front of a car as they would drive by.

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The first time attempting suicide was when I was around 10. I went into the bathroom and found some different chemicals. I l mixed some of them together to make a poison. As I was mixing it together some of it spilled onto the bathroom rug. I went to clean it up and saw that the fibers on the carpet had melted down to the bottom of the rug.

 

At this point, I knew that if I took the poison it would surely kill me. If it would melt a rug in a matter of seconds then it could melt the organs inside of me and I would die. 

 

The poison burned as I drank it down. It burned so much and tasted so bad that it triggered my gag reflex and made me vomit. As soon as I swallowed it down it all came right back up. I vomited into my hands and ran to the bathroom. I went straight to the sink and rinsed my hands off and drank and gargled water to get the taste and the burn out of my mouth and throat. I was fortunate to not sustain any major injuries besides a sore and raspy throat for a few days.

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I passively attempted suicide several times after that, but stopped when I heard that you can go to hell if you commit suicide. The thoughts and feelings subsided quite a bit after this, but didn't fully go away.  

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I eventually grew up and joined the Marine Corps Infantry. I deployed to Iraq twice and came back with some issues. My wife and I were struggling and decided to go to counseling. This is where I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I tried many different types of therapy and medications to get rid of the symptoms, but none of it really worked. 

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I eventually had a mental breakdown and came to a breaking point where my wife was going to leave me. I called the VA and asked them to admit me into their in-patient mental health hospital. They asked me if I was going to hurt myself or anyone else. I told them no, because I didn't believe in doing those types of things. They said that since I am not a danger to myself or others I am not eligible for in-patient treatment.

 

I had so much rage, sadness, and turmoil in that moment that I would have killed myself if I didn't believe I would go to hell.

 

My mother-in-law was standing next to me when I was talking to the VA staff. When I got off the phone I told her that this is why veterans are always killing themselves. I would be one of them right now if I didn't believe I would go to hell for suicide.

 

Then I broke down into tears. I felt like I didn't have any hope left in the world and I couldn't do anything about it.

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How my Life Changed

 

Later that night by myself I looked at a picture of my two kids that was hanging on the Christmas tree. Looking at them I thought of my dad and how he failed me and that I was turning out to be just like him. Then I decided to pray...

 

I said to God "I wrecked my life so you can have it." I told Him that I failed and that He can have my life if He wants it. It was a short prayer but I meant it.

 

Within a couple days I felt like a new man.

 

I was changed. I had a new found peace that I never had before. This peace was a supernatural gift from God. This peace was a measure of faith that the creator of the universe was going fix my mistakes and use me to help other people. ​

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I was surprised and very confused. I started thinking I was going crazy. How could I be feeling this way, when all I said was that simple prayer?

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Somehow I knew He was going to take my broken life and turn it into good. That is exactly what He did. He healed me, my wife, and our marriage. We are still very happily married. I now have a ministry where I help people everyday. I no longer feel the same way I used to. I am not suicidal and don't get swayed if I ever have thoughts like "I want to kill myself."

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I was changed immediately but there was still work to do. 

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I still struggled with some of the PTSD symptoms, but my hopelessness was gone. God became the hope that I was missing. He brought me down a path that I didn't even know existed. 

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Each day is a new day with God. He does things that will bring constant and powerful change in your life. The only key is you have to let Him and actively seek Him. 

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It may seem weird, strange, and new, but I promise you He is real it is worth it. I can't tell you how many times I've thanked God for all the change He brought in my life. Trust me, it isn't me or anyone else that did it. The creator is the only one that can change a person as much as I have been changed. 

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What You can do to Change

 

If you want to try living with the peace that surpasses all understanding like I did, then I encourage you to say the following prayer out loud to give or rededicate your life to God:

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God, I believe you exist. I believe You sent your Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. I believe He died for me and that He rose from the grave and still lives today. 

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I wrecked my life, so You can have it. I believe in You and choose to serve You. Please deliver me from the thoughts that haunt me and give me peace. Baptize me in Your Holy Spirit. Please forgive me of my sins and lead me to where You want me to go.

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Jesus, you said in order for me to receive forgiveness I must forgive, so I choose to forgive everyone now. I'm sorry for ever doing in anything in the occult, knowingly or unknowingly.

 

In the name of Jesus I command all enemies of Christ to leave me now!

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In Jesus' name, Amen.

 

Romans 10:9-10 says " that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. 

  

This scripture can assure you that by saying the prayer you just said will result in your salvation. 

 

I want to mention that I was a Christian before saying this prayer. I believed in Jesus and went to Church, but I didn't really live according to the Bible. It wasn't until I truly surrendered my life to Jesus and started living and believing the way the Bible says to live. This is when I truly started to change, with all my symptoms...

 

If you are interested in this type of change then I encourage you to visit this website that teaches How to go to Heaven. Go there and read their articles to get an understanding of what it's like to truly live your life according to the Bible. When you truly start living according to the teachings of Jesus your life will radically change. I have seen it many times!

 

My life has been transformed and have had many mysteries revealed to me and been on many adventures all around the world because of it!

 

God is no respecter of persons (Romans 2:11). This means that if He is willing to do it for me, then He is willing to do it for you. All you have to do is trust and put your trust into action to do what He says.​​

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Give it a try and see what true hope and peace feels like!